Early Morning Woe

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Do you ever feel, I don’t know, more…bitter or hardened as you get older? I mean, I know many of us have had to grow protective shells because of extreme personal sensitivity, but it’s more than that.
 
In particular, I’ve been thinking of losing friends. It’s different to lose someone from death or distance and mutually growing apart than it is from them choosing to lose you. And not just an acquaintance or a “hang-out friend:” a true soul’s companion, a friend you’ve shared many experiences with, someone you’ve opened your heart to, who may have even taken great care with/of you at one time. How can this caring just suddenly be shut off? How does one not have the ability to forget, forgive, or repair? What about the times when there is nothing in particular to forgive or work on, but they just go away of their own volition? I just don’t understand that choice–to have invested so much emotion, time, and support into a person, and then suddenly decide to not care–and I guess I never will until or if I ever make that choice myself.
 
I guess it’s good, in a way, because you realize that all you really ever have IS yourself. And Gods know, I can and will survive. It does make you stronger, although it feels like a hard, cut-off strength. On the other hand, of course, it’s incredibly heartbreaking and almost disturbing. The worst thing is when you realize you’ve begun to subconsciously expect/suspect it, that people you care about will just choose to walk away one day and never look back. That’s where the ruefulness, the slight bitterness in character comes into play.
 
Does this mean I hold back or don’t trust as much? Unfortunately for me, no. I throw my whole heart out there all the time. Maybe I trust a little bit less, but mostly I just feel resigned to it. To the inevitable, I almost wrote.  And when I’m speaking of “true friends,” I mean those who could be actually just friends, or lovers, or family members even. Thankfully, I’ve not yet had a family member leave me in this way, and so am relating more to the pain of other relationships.
 
It makes me feel…very alone. Because–it seems–it doesn’t matter in the end how much you care for someone. They can always close the door. I guess I just wonder when or if I’ll ever find someone (beyond my wonderful parents) with the capacity to let me into their heart as fully as I let others’ into mine, and will want keep me there, permanently. Unconditional love–that’s it. I guess maybe that’s something that’s difficult for the non-Piscean human to achieve, I don’t know, or most humans in general. I seem to have too much of it.

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